Accountable

I looked myself in the eye the other day.

I had a stare off with myself.

My sister says I have problem with staring into people’s eyes too long. Yet I’ve never really looked into my own.

 

If you’ve never done this before, it might be intimidating. Why do I say this? Because the first thing I felt when I looked at myself was intimidation. It was like looking into the eyes of a stranger, and she intimidated me. I think she’s always intimidated me.

What am I talking about? I’m talking about seeing myself. I’m talking about you seeing yourself. Truly seeing yourself, and not just looking. There is a difference.

After years of self-evasion, I’m finally seeing my real self. My happy self. “Man’s real life is happy” said Edgar Allan Poe. And that really resonates. Don’t we want to be happy? Isn’t that what we really want at the end of the day? But not only that, is happiness not the root of profound insight and success? I say it is.

I think I’ve been scared to know her. This potential self. And I think my own subconscious has played its own part in keeping her in submission. I’ve come to learn that I’m hard wired for self-doubt. But it’s not me. It’s just the way I think. And I can change that. I’m going to. I’m trying. This is me trying. OKAY>W#!@<%.

I’m think I’ve just always been terrified of not living up to my potential— so it’s just best to not get too close to my real self. I’ve never felt worthy, until now.

What changed?

I let myself be seen. I looked. And I looked objectively.

Break down those ever-present negative thoughts you have of yourself; those negative ruminations that you know make no sense. Lay them bare for examination.

Are you lonely? Self-isolating? Why is this? Maybe it’s because you’re scared to be seen, scared of what people might potentially think, what’ll you do if you say something wrong, etc. What behaviors do you exhibit in your own life that stand in your way?  Break. Them. Down. Dissect your psyche. Why do you think/behave in this way? Get to the bottom of your issues.

It’s different now… I don’t want to ignore my inner self. I want to get to know me. I love myself and I want to be seen. I believe that my inner voice was muffled long ago. But that can be remedied. With discipline, patience, and learning. I used to hear a voice within, one that knew me, and knew I could do anything, that I was unstoppable, that I could change things…if I were to but believe it.

Call me a Neo-Freudian, but our minds truly do wrestle with the definitions we’ve made for ourselves. Our psyches are individually hard-wired based on our own biology and life experiences. It’s time to know yourself.

I looked at myself in the mirror. And lo and behold, I felt weird about it. But regardless, I looked myself in the eye and believed in who I saw.

It’s time to be of use. To myself and to the documented world of media. And I can only be of use if I’m accountable. So here I am. Talking to myself.

 

Rekindle the relations between your various selves. See your past self, your present self, and your future self… and recognize their connection.

 

#transcendence #peace #growth #development #thrive #vision #consciousness #understanding #insight #recognition #progress #journey #knowledge #health #healing #reflection #curiosity #belief #personality #selfknowledge #keepwriting

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